October 17, 2013.. A day my world stood still

Many of you know that I was expecting my third bundle of joy. The pregnancy, wow, what a shocker when we found out, something we weren't expecting, yet grew excited about. I have never had an easy pregnancy, sick for most of the beginning, this one, weekly injections, monitoring and lots of appointments. I'll never forget last week, I went in on Tuesday the 15th for my last apt, it was decided I was going to be induced that Thursday, Oct 17th. Kayden, was doing well, his heart rate was fine, he was moving like he should be, the appointments, while long, went well. My parents traveled up Wednesday, while waiting for them to get there, my daughter and I put together his swing and I packed my bags, he was moving and kicking like normal, little did I know that was the last time I would feel him move. I was so excited that I could barely sleep that night, waking up hourly, still feeling him move, I felt him kick one last time around 3 am, then I drifted off to sleep, waiting for my alarm to go off at 5, so I could call in and see what time I was supposed to show up at the hospital. When I called, they told me to call back and I did around 730, they took my name and number and said they would call me back. I finally got that call, we loaded up and headed to the hospital. They took us into our room and started the normal procedures of hooking up monitors, etc. This is where my world came crashing down, like a freight train that forgot to hit its breaks, they couldn't find his heartbeat. The nurse left the room and the midwife came in with an ultrasound machine, maybe he flipped breech she said, but NO, he didn't , he had no heart beat, his heart had stopped. How does this happen, we did everything right, made every appointment, my husband, sent home from Afghanistan in order to be there with me through the end, he is supposed to be home, here in my arms, yet he is not. The pain, so unbearable, the thoughts of having to lay there while I waited t deliver my angel, the anger I had, the why's and what if's flooded my mind. How am I going to deliver my baby and then leave the hospital with empty arms, no parent should ever have to do that. The staff that took care of me, they were amazing, I slept through most of the labor, waking for the epidural and then waiting a few more hours, then it was time. Time to push, time to deliver my baby, who would never cry, never open his eyes, never take his first breath. It took one push and he was here, so beautiful, so perfect, the cord, wrapped around his neck and shoulder, the lifeline that was supposed to sustain him through my pregnancy and nourish him throughout, was the very thing that took his life. I know they say that God only puts us through the things He knows we can survive, but this is a pretty hard thing to have to face, my faith somewhat shattered, my trust in medicine shaken, but here I am today, bound by my love for the Lord, still questioning, yet knowing that my angel, my Kayden is being taken well care of in Heaven and that I will see him again. This doesn't change the ache, hurt and emptiness I feel, longing to hold him, smell his hair, kiss his toes, give him a bath, all the things that were ripped away from me.

"No one can know how much I love you, because you are the only one who knows what my heartbeat sounds like from inside"

So grateful for my wonderful friend, Monica Ebert, who took the time to do these amazing pictures. These, I will treasure for a lifetime, although it won't bring Kayden back to me, I can look at his sweet face anytime I feel down.
Fly high my little butterfly! I love you more than words can ever speak.